Thursday, March 18, 2010

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

Cara Mama was married last weekend and she was silly enough to invite me. Actually, she and I have been friends for more than 15 years so she really had no choice. If I had not been invited, I would have shown up any way like this

and screaming about her fiance Rocket being the dad causing several of the old Bubbes there to drop dead on site

So to avoid a Jonestown scene at her wedding, she invited me.

My darling husband and I made the 6 hour drive from our lovely Southern city (that can't manage to get a friggin Whole Foods or Wegman's to open up in it)

First I want to say, you learn some shit about people when you spend that much time in a car with them. I thought I knew all there was to know. NOPE and let's just say, sometimes we don't need to know EVERYTHING!

Here are some pictures of the car we followed into DC

My genius husband figured if we followed this guy and we are both going 90, the dude with the hoopdee would got pulled over first. I am so sad to report that I could not get a picture of the Hummer with pictures of stripper's on the side. He was going to slow and my husband wanted to keep up with bumper dude

On the day of the wedding it was raining, Cara Mama was sick of everyone telling her it was good luck. Being the good friend that I am, I told her rain on your wedding day sucks, it's a b**ch to get your hair done be in a long dress and have to step through mud and crap on your way to pictures. I'm not gonna lie to ya, that's the kind of friend I am a regular ole' 

I was not ruining my beauties that I was debuting at the wedding. Carlos rode in the place of honor on the way to the wedding. I wore my UGGS into the winery and carried Carlos. True story! Here is proof

Let me also say that I need to give a big shout out to Spanx for giving me the booty of a 20 year old. I LOVE YOU! Sorry no booty shots, this is not that kind of blog (usually)

The wedding was beautiful even though my husband would not let me hold a glass of wine during the ceremony and took it from me and POUNDED it before I could object.....I told you road trips teach you some things about people.

Here is a picture of the beautiful bride and her groom

Look at those big barrels of wine! I hope that is what my heaven is like

After the wedding, we moved to the back of the barrel room where they were pouring wine, lots of wine. Some how I had 2 before the food was served. I met a lovely friend of Cara Mama's and her husband, Melba Toast. He was so dry and boring, I was so tipsy, I think I kept talking to him just because I could tell how much he didn't want to be talking to me and I couldn't find my husband.

Really he kept pulling the disappearing act on me. I found out later where he was....stayed tuned.

Somehow, each time I went to get drink, the grooms Uncle and father were standing by the bar and seemed to be continuing the same conservation about what to do after the wedding. Being the girl I am, I invited them to come have dinner with us (it was an early afternoon wedding). Apparently,  I invited them several times, like each time I saw them. I think his dad thought I was
A. Trying to pick him up
B. A stalker
C. Some drunk chick who was following him around the wedding
D. All of the above

So because I could not find my husband, the groom's dad was hiding from me, Melba Toast was well, Melba Toast. I went off to play with Cara Mama's beautiful little girl. She is 5 (going on 15). Being the good Aunt I am, we went off to apply lipstick and blush, get drinks in fancy glasses and talked about what she want's to be when she grows up (ME!!! Really she said she wants to be me)

My husband finally showed back up, I took Carlos off (who was hit on by several woman admiring my feet) and climbed into the car, drunk at 6 PM in the middle of nowhere VA. So what's a girl to do?

Have her hubby drive to the nearest BP, get directions to the local burger joint, order take out, put on my jammies and eat a big ole' burger.

Where was my husband during the reception?? Well I get into the car look into the backseat and see

HE WAS PUTTING OUR GLASSES IN OUR CAR!! You counted correctly, there are 8 of them. 8!!!

He said they were special, they have the name of the Winery. I can understand 1 maybe 2 so we each have one. But 8!

I think he was drunk and I missed it because I was hanging with Mr Melba Toast.

I told you, road trips bring out some scary shit in people.

Oh please do not arrest me I would not do well in jail and I look really really bad in orange.

Next time we fly. No more road trips with sticky fingers


Rebecca said...

1. Everyone should be able to have a glass of wine during a wedding.
2. Thank God you saved your shoes...that would have been horrible.
3. I can't believe your husband pilfered a full set of glasses from the winery...that is just hysterical!
4. My Heaven would look like that too!

Tricia said...

Ok I love you. I am linking the world to this blog today. Via facebook etc. OMG I needed that laugh. and um Chuck would have stolen the glasses too.. course he is a SK in the Navy (Supply guy) so he calls it procuring them (BS your stealing.. just sayin')

Aphrodite's Mortal Friend (ME) said...

Great story- love the car pics and really, 8? That's impressive!

Leiah said...

I love that he liberated a whole set of wine glasses for y'all. Liberated - since he would never actually steal anything. Thanks for the giggles this morning!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Hell. Y'all needed a set!

Cara Mamma said...

The 8 does not surprise me....but the swiping???? Wow--- I love your hubby. (though really, you could have kept drinking during the ceremony- he should not have begrudged you that) :)

Brittney said...

LMAO!!! this was the funniest story ever!!!

"Swiper no swiping" is the 1st thing that popped in my mind haha!

Ps. Your shoes... HAWT!!

Shell said...

I completely cracked up at your spanx comment. I need some spanx.

8 glasses? Well, that's good for company...

Love those wine barrels. That's my idea of heaven, too.

Tiffany said...

Bwaahhaahaa! That was soo funny! The first thing I thought of that car was like, "is that her car?"
Glad I stumbled onto your blog. You're hilarious!

Danifred said...

OMG- so awesome! You should have called me after the wedding. You, me, Sticky Fingers and Bee could have hit up the Sheetz!

Cybil said...

Fantastic story! Ok - now I have to go and get some Spanx!