Sunday, February 28, 2010

Sunday Funny

I had such a manic weekend I could not get my Dirty Laundry post done in time. I have pictures I need to get scanned in and round up the soundtrack so I may get it done tomorrow or it may wait until next week. So today I leave you with the funniest thing said at my house this week.

Friday I am driving the boy's home from school and hear the following conservation

Oldest boy #1 is in 1st grade
Younger boy #2 in in Pre K

#1 "Hey #2 are you A.P.T?"

#2 "Uhhhh Yes?"

#1 (breaks out into hysterical laughter) "Ahhhhh your a pregnant teenager?!! Bahhhhh"

After I ran the car off the road in shock that my 6 year old just said that, I found out where he learned this (school) and told him if I heard it again I was telling his Principal (the only person he is afraid of) and then told him I would home school him (he said he would rather go to military school).

My poor 4 year old was so confused he say's to #1 "Are you S.M?"  :hahaha your Superman"

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Riding shotgun with crazy

A scary look into the mind of a mom left alone in the car for 30 minutes on her way to pick up the dynamic duo from school. 

I need a Starbucks, no time 

OOO is that Taylor Dayne
Love will lead you back to my heart...someday I know that love will lead you back to my heart

Wow that is a big pimple
it hurts....maybe it's not a pimple, must Google it
If I Google it, it'll be cancer....don't Google it 


Hey the gas pedal is the one on the right...arsehalt...

Birthday Sex Birthday Sex ....girl you know IIIII girl you know III....
wonder if I have to do it tonight...don't have time to shower tomorrow
I really need XM 

light is blinking...ignore promised Oprah no Blackberry and driving....come on red light come on red light Yes! OK check it quick.....put it down put it down ....

what the hell does that plate mean...f'in hate that...what's the point if no one understands WTF it means......

I love that house I need my hair cut

I'll stop the world and melt with you, you've seen the changes and it's getting better all the this song...reminds me of High School....hmmm....maybe I'll come clean about the real reason I didn't go to the reunion....
I need XM.....

I hate driving with my coat's blinking again....come on red light red light red light 
Coat off check BB...I have an addiction....
Almost there...getting ready to be really loud in here....

Carpool, I don't really remember driving here....

30 min alone in the car....It's a one woman psych ward

And for those of you under 35 here are Taylor Dayne and Modern English 

And for those if you over 35 here is Jeremih who sings Birthday Sex 

(images from Google images)

Friday, February 26, 2010

Friday Friday Friday!!! Serving up some leftovers for you


Here we are again with the wonderful and witty Danifred 

I may drink a lot tonight, more than usual, no I don't have a problem....OK I do, 3 small one's and when they go to bed, I'm hitting the sauce. 

The sauce of choice for this Friday is

That's about as pornographic as it get's at my house but it is a great wine and the best part....
I can buy it at Target while I am buying diapers, toilet paper and Capri Suns

Nothing say's quality mom like 3 bottles of wine and a box of diapers at checkout

Baseball season starts tomorrow for my boy's. 
2 boy's 2 different teams
Mine as well sell the house buy a double wide and move to the ball field

My mom sent me an email with this picture 


I have a prize for the first person who can figure out why this is so damm funny

Really, is there anything I can say after that picture? 

Have a great weekend. Don't forget to join me on Sunday to air your dirty laundry....I have a doozy this week and there will be pictures!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Anatomy of a Tantrum

Dear Baby Girl,

We have had a tough week. You and I have not seen eye to eye on many of the decisions around the house. You have been upset that you are not allowed to stand on the kitchen table, pull the dog's tail (really I am not sure why our dog has not run away from home), wear my shoe's, lipstick, watch or your brother's under ware.

When you do not get what you feel you are entitled to, a full on fit for the ages ensues. Diva behavior is not becoming on anyone as you will see in this little pictorial I have put together for you titled Anatomy of a Tantrum

Ahh jewelry from Bubbe all better (and uhh FU mom we know who the real princess is) 

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

You people never disappoint me...What I meant to say Wednesday

As of noon Tuesday  I had nothing for this post. 1 full week of nobody pissin me off. Too good to be true? Yep, today some fool jumped out of the shallow end of the gene pool and decided to try and swim with me.

Costco 12:30 PM, I am strollin out happy as I can be with my sushi lunch and my hubbies $40 gold plated razors when some MeMaw comes tearing around the corner and almost takes me and all my sunshine and butterflies out with her $2 mini van ( I can rip on vans, I drive one so back off)

I shoot her a look, she gives me an Oops, I'm as old as Methuselah so I can drive like an asshole look.

As I am loading myself and goodies into the van the biatch honks at me to hurry up. Now she wants my spot really are you kidding closely related to each other are your parents?

What I meant to say (do) was walk up to her window bang on it and tell her my father is the founding member of M16 and she better back off before I call my brothers who get out on parole next week to come open some woop ass on her inpatient can't drive sorry self. Then I would have done something really scary to her like make some crazy fake gang sign.

Really, she was lucky I had to haul my butt out of Costco anyway to go pick baby girl up from school otherwise I would have sat my happy self in my car for a few minutes hung out until she gave up and found a new spot.

OK people can we make it next week with out putting me out. My guess is no so I will be back again playin this same old song next week.

BIG NEWS! I am going to extend my giveaway and re post the details tomorrow (because I am too sleepy to do it now) so stay tuned!!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Dirty Secrets....Sunday is Laundry Day


I will admit I am a blog novice so don't bust my behindy for changing things up....I love the idea of have a confession day so last Sunday I tried out Sunday Confessional, it didn't work for me for a few reasons so I have spent  a couple of hours while my hubby was watching American Idol sleepless nights revamping my feature. Drum Roll PLEASE.........I am switchin' it up to Dirty Laundry. Sunday is laundry day at my house so what better way to celebrate Sunday and all those mounds of laundry then to avoid it and post on your blog and read all my dirty secrets.

Feel free to play along, I promise I won't change it again unless I get busted for something I say and they haul me off to jail so go ahead and link up! I will figure Mr Linky out some day and get him all hooked up in the meantime just grab my butt(on) link to me on your blog and spill it.

So here it is my dirty secret for Sunday.......

I always tell my husband I have to be someplace 30-45 minutes before I really have to be there. Girls night out starts at 7:30 Nope, 6:45 have to leave by 6:30. Pedi at 11AM, Nope 10:30 honey sorry gotta run and change baby girl while your at it, I'm running late.....

What do I do with that extra time? I regain my sanity, I wander in Marshall's /Home Goods and look at all the kitchen stuff good mom's who cook use. I try on shoes I would never buy because I can't run after baby girl in them. I longingly run my hands across the size 2 jeans that fit me before I  had 3 kids that screwed my body up so bad Dr 90210 couldn't even undo the damage.

I love those few extra minutes to myself just mindless time to reflect on how I can be a better mother and wife
nothing, with no one touching or talking to me....pure bliss

As I was finishing up this post, my son's ran into my room, their fish have died (both fish) dirty secret #2 THANK GOODNESS!!! I am so over having to take care of one more damm thing in this house!  We are very saddened by their loss and they are now resting comfortably where ever my toilet water goes. least they are together.....

Friday, February 19, 2010

I am in love........

with the awesome items over at

Leslie's item's are awesome and creative here are a few of my current faves....

Sushi wine charms so cute and they make sure people keep their paws off my wine!

Wish they had this in my size

and this is just beautiful

You can own one of her original pieces of jewelry! Just enter my giveaway....leave a comment on What I Meant to say Wednesday about something your kids have done this week to make you crazy. Craziest kids win! I will show up at the door of the winner Ed McMahon style with balloons and a a big fake check. 

Just to tempt you again here are the earrings I am giving away

Now kids get to it, make your mama's crazy so they can get some new jewelery

Dryer Drama Part Deaux: The Battle between the blower and garden hose

Just when you thought it was over.....

Monday when Mr Fix It from Sears showed up to fix the dryer (and came into my house w/out taking off his shoes grrrrr) he informed me that we need to have our ducts cleaned, which of course, he does not do. Sooo..Super Dad comes home and I inform him that the ducts have to be cleaned but we don't need to spend the $150 (mama needs shoes and maybe a purse). I inform him I have spoken to my buddy E and her hubby was able to clean theirs out himself with the leaf blower. Off he goes, 6:30 at night and upstairs with the leaf blower. Let me say I tried to capture the full escapade on film but I had 2 obstacles. The first parenting (damm kids ruining a good time for my blog audience) and the second, my hubby. He was not as amused as I was and was not interested in my docudrama ( never fear, I snapped a couple thanks to the old Blackberry)

It went something like this
Hubby: outside yelling up to me 'Start the blower"
Me: turn blower on manage kids, keep baby girl from screaming turn blower off
Hubby: runs upstairs sticks flour into the duct. Back downstairs to watch for the white smoke (new pope named at my house will release name at a later date)
Hubby: back up with the garden hose disappears into the attic

I wasn't able to get a picture of the garden hose that he brought upstairs and into the attic but....he ran the hose through the duct in the attic and into the laundry room to make sure the duct was clear

At one point during the chaos, hubby, middle boy, baby girl and myself are all outside looking for a vent in the dark while oldest boy was in the potty pooping. He had no idea any of this was going on and that he was in the house alone...must have been a good book he was reading on the potty!

Done. Dryer drama over, I am a little sad. It was really funny watching my husband drag garden supplies in and out of the house...oh well, I'm sure something else will break again soon

Thursday, February 18, 2010

My First Award!!

Yesterday in the midst of a moment when I thought for sure I was going to sell my kids on Ebay I received a gift from a fellow blogger (and pretty crazy mama too) Cybil  over at A Big Pot of Crazy. So now it is my turn to pass this onto some bloggers who always make me laugh so hard I sometimes....well, if you have had more then 3 kids you know what happens sometimes when you laugh to hard

So here is the line up.....I present the Sunshine Award to the following bloggers with great thanks for making me want to drink a little less in the afternoon's

Chief  Thanks to What I Meant to Say Wednesday's I have learned I am as bitchy as I think I am

Danifred  Who I have actually known for a really long time pre hubbies and pre babies and is one cool chick!

Shell Who say's what the rest of us want to!

Rants From Mommyland  who I have just recently discovered and are so damm funny I want them to be my friends so I am bribing them with an award

Business2blogger which has given me hope that I can quit my job and live off of blogging (not really but they are really awesome over there and if you haven't joined your a loser)  PS you don't have to pass the award on, I just think you guy's are awesome and wanted to tell you in a song but this was all I had

Supah  Post it Note Tuesday...really do I need to say more

Rebecca  Her twins are so cute and they live with her not me so that brings me sunshine!

Jax-isms is writing everyday for a year, this will help fill in one of her day's. Besides she is really funny and say's what's on her mind

Stepping on Cheerios  always has beautiful pictures to share

Fightingthefatty   is one one hell of a journey, we should all have the determination she does

Caramama has a really cutie little girl who is quite well, how do I say this nicely...well go have a look for yourself

and the final award goes to.....Cybil  because what goes around should come around (except that yucky thing that went around my sorority house in college)

The rules for accepting the Sunshine Award are as follows…
1. Put the logo in my post or within my blog.
2. Pass the award onto 12 fellow bloggers.
3. Link the nominees within my post.
4. Let the nominees know they have received this award by leaving a comment on their blogs.
5. Share the love and link to the person who gave you the award!

Stayed tuned, this was not my regularly scheduled broadcast for today, I have more dryer drama that involves a blower and garden hose (please do not let your children read my blog!)  

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Never doubt the Mama (What I meant to say...) and a give away!

Background: 7:30 AM Tuesday, major chaos has broken out in Crazyville, the natives have become rowdy. The dynamic duo are running a muck, baby girl is carrying a chair around the the kitchen island singing Twinkle Twinkle and not eating her breakfast. I order the oldest to go put on his shoes and his shirt. On his way to put on his shoes, he decides to slam the bathroom door, the same door his brother's finger in in, not only does he slam the door, he pushes it to make sure it closes. Chaos ensues, 2 crying boy's 1 baby girl directing me (N crying, B crying, N crying B crying). I have no idea what a broken thumb looks like but  I am pretty sure I am about to find out.

Of course my hubby has already left for work and is not answering his cell phone......

Fast forward to our doctors appointment. We end up at a satellite clinic because the main office is booked until 11AM. We get into the clinic and it smells. Smells like a bad perm smells. The front office chicks are on the phone with the fire dept. They call us back and lead up directly to the smell, put us in a room that STINKS! There was no what I meant to say here because I said it....."Really, your going to put my son in a room that is filled with the smell you are calling the fire dept about", the nurse looks at me and say's "would you like to go to another room" UH yes dumb ass (OK that I didn't say that  but I meant to).

When the PA finally decides to see us and examines my son for all of 3 minutes, she informs me that it is not broken. I grumble at my son who begged me to go to the Dr because it hurt soooooo bad. She then looks at me and say's "Welcome to parenting, some day's are like that" then the devil in a lab coat looks at my son and say's "you tell mommy she should be happy we don't have to introduce her to the hand surgeon because that would be no fun for anyone" 
I smile and lead my son out of that toxic pit of a clinic.

What I meant to say to that condensing bi**h was. "Screw you lady, I freaking know parenting is like that some day's but that doesn't mean I can't be annoyed at my kid for whining about his hand (that he then decides does not hurt once he sits on your magic table) and dragging me to see your useless ass at your nasty stink clinic where I had to drop $25 bucks that I was going to use to buy a new hoodie at that Gap.

AND if you have something to say to me then say it, don't speak to my child in some condensing Mary F'ing Sunshine voice to impart some pearl's of wisdom to me like I'm not in the room. I'm in the damm room woman say it to my face.

I should have sent his behind to school like I had planned and told him to call me if his hand fell off. My own fault, you should never doubt the mama.

I have my first give away! A beautiful pair of earrings made by the talented Leslie at Daydream and Mudpies  you can view all of her beautiful goodies at

To enter and win:
1. You must be a follower so sign up with all the other crazy folks
2. Post about the giveaway on your blog or on twitter with a link back to me (shameless self promotion)
3. leave a comment on this post about the most outrageous thing your kids have done this week to make you crazy

I will pick a winner next week and post it on my blog with a link to their blog (if you are cool like that)

Good Luck!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Dryer Drama

Several days have had to pass before I could post this. My husband has been pissed at me that long.

Remember last week when I told you my dryer broke. Well, that was not the whole story. It did stop working, it was spinning but not heating. I happen to mention to my mom that is was not working. Ever the solution giver (which is a whole blog in and of it's self), she tells me that it just may be full of lint and I need to clean out the vent because it can cause a fire and that I should NEVER leave the dryer running when I am not home (great like I need one more thing the remember or worry about). She has a brush she slides into her dryer that cleans out the lint. Fast forward to baby girl's nap time and me looking for something to do.

I say to myself "Self, you can probably just hook a wash rag onto a wore hanger and clean out the vent. This is a good idea, do this right now."  I warp into Macgyver Mama, able to fix things around the house with a wash rag and wire hanger.

As I am sliding my contraption into the vent I say to myself 'Self, I am not sure this is such a good idea" and woosh.....hanger comes up empty, wash rag no where to be found. Damm it!

At this point I have to stop, baby girl is up from her nap and I have to go get the dynamic duo from school.

I get home (before my hubby thank G-D!) and try to fix my boo boo. I pull the dryer out, pull this big shiny silver tubing off the dryer and out of the wall. No wash rag, I try and pull the dryer apart no luck. At this point I am jammed behind the washer and dryer, baby girl is freaking out because she can't get to me and my boy's are watching some TV show and would not even notice if I was laying dead behind the dryer (until they want something).

The phone rings s**t. It's my hubby. First thing I say when I pick up the phone "OK, don;t freak out at me."
Silence.....I then launch into the story about how I was saving our family from dying in a dryer fire which I am sure was imminent because my mom said so and they happen all the time and it's why I had to try and fix it right away.....silence....

When he gets home, he has to take the whole back off the dryer, give me an education about the length of the vent and some other stuff I really did not care about   understand, but I nodded along dutifully just hoping he could fix the damm thing because I have a ton of laundry to do.

It still does not work (insert cuss word of  your choice). Sears cannot come out until Monday (today) to fix it so I am out for 4 days with no dryer.

This morning my oldest informs me he is out of underwear and is wearing his sleep boxers under his pants to school which he likes because "they don't squeeze his penis"

Mr Sears is here right now (nothing like showing up 15 minutes before your 4 hour window is up) and has just informed me it is going to cost me $185 to fix the thermostat (at least it was not my fault the dryer broke)

Guess I know what I will be doing today......

Wonder what battle awaits me tomorrow when the oldest boy is forced back into his tightest whitiest

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Come Clean!! It's Sunday Confessional

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My people (*) only confess once a year, my husband's people (+)  confess weekly (I think they can confess whenever they want but I'm not sure) for those of you a little slow on the uptake, I am Jewish, he is Catholic.

Anyway, I agree that confession is good for the sole and maybe I should do a little more of it. So I am going to have a weekly confessional, no judgment, no advice, just a good old fashioned soul cleansing confession.

I have a cute little button for it (can't figure the damm thing out and the text is too small so feel free to help) and I don't get the whole Mr Linky thing but I add my name to one every time I see a blog with one. But if you want to confess with me please do so, just link back to me. You can take this button until I have made a new one. I will replace it when I make a better one (this whole parenting thing keeps interrupting).


I have gone as many as 3 day's without a shower

I am not proud of this but sometimes, it takes all I have just to get out of my warm bed to deal with my kids (at 6AM, remember they can't sleep past then), get the kids fed, dressed, myself dressed, get my kids out of the house, get to work, get home, get my kids, make dinner, clean up, finish my glass of wine (trumps all other events of the day), keep the kids from killing each other, get them into bed and keep from collapsing at 7:30 so I can pretend to have a meaningful conservation with my husband before I drop dead. So something has to give, and it's a shower. I have never been a very sweaty person and I do wear deodorant and don't get to close to any one. But it is true and I am not sure I feel as bad about it as I should.

Your turn, confess your sin for the week

Friday, February 12, 2010

Friday Night Leftovers

I am playing along with my dear friend Danifred

So here they are my random thoughts for the week for some reason I am having a flash forward of my future day's as a crazy rambling woman at St. E's).

I am not sure why Man Vs Food is not HUGE! He eats crazy food all the time, men, typical

I understand why some animals eat their young. Not that I would eat any of my children but I can sympathize with these poor mama's just trying to survive. The consistent "I'm hungry" "He's pulling my tail" "She stole the last bug" " I hate this cave" is enough to make any creature snap

I continue to have a love hate relationship with Weight Watchers.

I think I have eaten too much birthday cake this week (see above)

My oldest came out of the bathroom and handed me a copy of Parents magazine and said "Look mom this say's how to stop biting, tantrums and whining, maybe you should read it to help you with N and baby girl"  Great, even my kids see I have not control.

I am really proud of my friend E who will run her first 5k with me tomorrow. 2 months ago she was sure she could never even run a block. I think people who do things they never thought they could are cool  like that

I think I may have a crush on the super bad guy on Hero's

My husband is reading my blog on a regular basis which is good because he loves what I write and is a super cool supportive guy but I am not sure I like the fact that he now has access to my bag of mommy tricks that I share with you, double edge sword. Because your reading this A man, I am declaring this neutral territory, you can't use anything I say here against me in our daily struggle for survival with the kids, you can't call me out on my love for making dinner so I am alone or my desire to fold laundry for quiet. Got it! Thanks I love you and do think it's cool you take the time to read what I write.xoxo

I hope everyone has a really great weekend. I am going to have my first giveaway starting next week but you can't enter if you are not registered as a follower so stop being a stalker, come out of the shadows and log in as a follower. I know a lot of you slip over from Facebook (I can see you on my little feedjit) ;-)

Put you gotta pay to play (well not really but you do have to be listed as a follower) If you are not sure how to do that, click on the side bar that say's "don't be a stalker" and you will be able to log in as a follower.

I'll give you a hint, it's jewelry!!

Thursday, February 11, 2010


Dear Hubby,

By 8:11 this morning, the dog puked on the carpet, the dryer broke, my crows feet magically changed to crow's giant foot prints, baby girl tore her closet apart, my Roomba (love you) sucked up Lego's, I only had 1 cup of coffee because you finished the creamer and baby girl pooped just as I was putting her in the car seat to take the boy's to the bus which arrives at 8:15.

I quit, I may report for duty tomorrow but today I am going back to bed, watching a lot of daytime TV and ordering lots of take out.

xoxo, your wife

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

What I meant to say.....

Let me start off by saying this was not the post I have in the que for today but I just had an experience in my daughter's music class that I have to get off my chest so I figured what better way to tell a mama what I think of her then What I meant to say Wednesday hosted by Chief .

My daughter is almost 2 and for those of you with a child 2 or older, you know that it is really not a child but a bull in a china shop with a mind of it's own on some kind of super sippy cup kool aid crack.

My darling girl happens to be in a music class with a bunch of first time mommies and their babies (9 mos and under), a situation I am correcting next week.

Well Ms Thing is running around checkin out her fineness in the mirrors, yelling 'no' at me and anyone else who looks are her.

The mommy sitting next to me with her 6 month old lump of non moving baby looks at me and say's "Well, she's strong willed isn't she"
I just looked at her and smiled. What I meant to say was.........

Back off first timer. Have a couple more and then talk to me about parenting, better yet wait until your little pumpkin turns 2. You wait and see how many hoops you are willing to jump through to try and make her sit in a music class (really who sits in music any way).

Chick's like you are why I hate to take these classes anyway, I only care about how she behaves because I don't want to have to deal with you judgy bi**hes looking at me like I can't control my kid.

So best of luck to you lady! Hope your kid doesn't end up on Teen Mom

But I didn't say it, I smiled and continued to secretly hope baby girl accidentally smacked her in the head with some of the egg shakers she was throwing.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Post It Note Tuesday ( I am so psyched to get to play along!!!)

I love to read Things I can't say and think Shell is funny as crap (can I say that). Anyway, she play's along in Post it Note Tuesdays with Supahmommy another funny chick who makes me laugh out loud.

So being the follower I am, I have decided to play along!



Thanks Supahmommy and Shell! This was fun.

Monday, February 8, 2010

I know why I am going crazy

Driving my children home from school should not make me reconsider my sanity but today it did.

The following conservation is a true story the names have not been changed because everyone should be as scarred as I am from the incident.

I am on the phone with a friend trying to finalize some details for a function we are putting together. I hear screaming in the car (I ignore it usually because I am immune to it) followed by the words pee and now. I pull into the nearest parking lot (love boy’s, my daughter will have to lean to squat outside), still on the phone; I open the van doors and send them out. I look up and see them starting to pee on a wet paint sign and the electrical unit that was just painted (leave it to my kids). I yell, “not there, over here by the car I don’t need the whole street to see your butts.”

Mind you I am still on the phone (thank goodness the mom on the other line has 3 boy’s). I look over to make sure they are OK and then have to scream out the window “stop crossing pee”. Only a mom of more then 1 boy can appreciate this statement.

This experience got me thinking of the things I have said as a mother that I never thought I would say. Here is a sampling of a few:

Stop touching your brother with your penis

Stop making butt prints on the shower, window, snow, (it goes on and on)

No you cannot pee together

Get off your brother’s neck (back, head, foot, leg, hand) he is not a toy (rocket, dinosaur, car, dude from Star Wars or Indiana Jones)

Do not hit your sister in the head with a ball (again)

No you can’t bump butts in the bathtub (shower or when getting your PJ’s on)

Stop calling your sister like she’s the dog

Get your hands out of your pants

Don’t touch your penis at the table

If you want to touch it go to your room and wash your hands when you’re done

Can you find your sister please?

Call the dog and make him clean up the cheerios (grilled cheese, noodles, cookies well you get the point)

Put it away, nobody wants to look at it

Shut the door, nobody wants to watch you poop

Did you wipe

Did you wash your hands (with soap)

Don't stick the spoon handle in the dog's behind again! (true story ask my husband he was there) 

What have you said to your kids that has made you scratch your head and think “did I really just have to say that?”

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Letters from Crazyville (a mom on the edge): I hate everyone in Dean and Deluca

Letters from Crazyville (a mom on the edge): I hate everyone in Dean and Deluca

I hate everyone in Dean and Deluca

My usual setting of serenity became a house if horrors for me this week. In between a morning play date and  a noon Dr appt, on a horribly rainy day, I drag my darling daughter into D/D for lunch. After picking up our $6 a pound fruit,  I venture over to get her 2 slices of cheese. The cost for these 2 slices $4! I asked the women if that was correct, She then explained to me that was the cost of a grilled cheese sandwich. Well then, make me a sandwich. Off we go with our $10 kids meal to wait in line and wait and wait. Meanwhile, my precious daughter squirms out of my arms for a little walk (run) away from me. Before I can even step out of line no less then 3 people make a comment about my wandering menace to society. I run after her and snatch her up. The lady at the cheese counter say's "she's a quick one". The woman who was behind me in line who is now in front of me because I stepped out speaks the kiss of death "well, you have your hands full". I am sure my head spun and I flashed red. I looked at her and said with as much sickly sweetness as I could muster, "You've just forgotten what's it's like to have a toddler". I then promptly announced to myself (the store) "people are so quick to judge mom's and slow to help them". I think my cashier almost passed out and was for sure looking for a panic button.

To top off my delightful experience, I could find no place to sit people were holding tables waiting for their other childless friends to show up and eat a quiet lunch as I drag my screaming, hungry, tired toddler through the store looking for a place to feed her. We finally settle at a bar stool and high table where I am confronted by a barista who rolls her eye's at me when I ask her to bring me a glass of water (which I am unable to get myself because I could not find a chair to sit at that my child can't fall out of)

So I don't hate everyone in D/D just all the judgy people who don't have kids or have forgotten (blocked out) how difficult it is some day's to have a squirmy, tired and hungry toddler and turn their nose up at mama just trying to survive.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

The Land of NeverandAlways

Dear Children (here in referred to as royal subjects), 

I am renaming our kingdom, Here on out we will refer to it as the Land of NeverandAlways. Henceforth ruled by Queen B (do I really need to explain).

Daily at our house I never and or always do something to torture you poor delightful subjects. Some recent examples that you have brought to my attention: 

You never let me/us go first, do that, play with this, eat cake for dinner, try and break up all the ice in the baby pool out back when it's 45 degrees outside or make a yuck bucket in the backyard that is filled with sidewalk chalk, dirt, water, leaves, bugs, plastic toys and dog poop (true story, I am a real bummer of a mom)

You always let him/her go first, pick dinner, take out the recycling (their odd little ducks), get in the car first, sit there, do this, do that.

How come I always have to get dressed, eat breakfast, put away my laundry, put my shoes away, go to school, brush my teeth, was my hair, pee poop and wipe my own butt (really this is a true fight in my house but that is another blog).

Blank never has to get dressed, put away their shoes, eat veggies, drink milk, clean their room, set the table, take out the trash or do any of the million things you ALWAYS make me do.

I am so glad that you are embracing the ideals and of NeverandAlways and hope that you will continue to bring examples to my attention (because I love to hear what you have to say).

Your loyal and loving Queen B

Monday, February 1, 2010

Speaking in Tongues

Dear Son's

I do not understand the language you are speaking and frankly, it is annoying. Mainly because you expect me to understand and are peeved when I don't. When you tell me Pikachu is stronger then Zigzazoon or Torterra (what the hell are you talking about). All I can figure is this is pretty serious business because the choice of Pokeman card has reduced N to tears on several occasions when a trade has gone down (really it looks like a drug deal gone south some day's). I don't know (or care for that matter) which Bakagun beat who or how this ball battles for that matter. I don't know which Star Wars character is winning whatever game you are playing on whichever mind numbing electrical device your eyes are super glued to. I have no idea about Princess Peach, Bowser, Mario, or the red butts they get when you fight them. I don't know what you  mean when you yell "pop me" or "jump on my head".

This is all foreign to me. I do however find it very amusing to listen to the 2 of you try and sound like you are 16 when you speak to each other with the "DUDE!" this, "Wasss UPPP" that, and the latest "Oh No You DI-INT". "Oh that is so stupid", "What the" and of course your subtle slip in of "I know the (F, S, A) word but I am not going to say it".

The never ending ways that you are able to twist bodily functions, fluids and parts into new words is fascinating. I have learned a whole new vocabulary and list of put downs including  "wiener bone" and "butt nuts" your current name of choice for each other (really there is no love like brother love).

But I nod my head and pretend to understand (care). Because I know the importance of these issues to you, I have taken the liberty of (semi) educating myself. I can only hope you take your studies to become a Dentist and Plastic Surgery as seriously because I am going to need work done some day and you 2 owe me (big time).

I love you (butt nuts)