The Cold Hard Truth

OK my blog for today is Vegas, what I say here stays here because if the truth gets out I am in big trouble and will have to come live with you (and I'm a really bad house guest)

I think my husband knows all of these things but is too smart of a man to call me out on any of it


Confession Time

I love to do/ fold the laundry because I can hide in my room, watch Oprah and be alone

I dread bath time, it is a mess and I can't get it over soon enough


I "have" to sweep and mop every night because I would rather be knee deep in mop water, finish my wine and listen to the news then wrangle 3 over tired kids into their pj's

"I will do the dinner dishes" (see above)

When my husband is taking one child someplace I try and get another child to want and go too.

When my husband is going to run an errand I try and get my boy's to go with him

I like to make dinner. It gives me 30 or more minutes of semi-peace to listen to NPR and my husband has to be lego master doll dresser for awhile

I "have" to go potty upstairs (it's quiet there)

I "need" to run to Target now, I am out of  (fill in the blank) and then find therapy in the aisle's while I have a Starbucks (on a side note, I am seriously in love with the genius who came up with Starbucks in Target now if only they had babysitting and dry cleaning)

I will go get the mail, again a few minutes alone

Sometimes I drive around the block for an extra 5 minutes before I walk into Crazyville

I let my kids watch TV just so they will be quiet, stop fighting, nagging, whining or bugging each other (or me)

I really don't care if their clothes match, as long as they get themselves dressed and I don't have to hear about it

I like to vacuum, it drowns the noise out


I hate mommy/child classes and playgroups, I am not good at small talk, I don't like to sing, act like a kangaroo and jump in the ball pit (which totally gross me out but that is a different post).

I lie and say that Happy Meal's are missing toy's (among the other lie's I tell my kids for survival)

I give M gum or lollipop's in the car just so she will stop yelling ( I am aware of the monster I am creating, I'll deal with it later)

I put my kids to bed some nights without brushing their teeth (M most nights)

I have given my boy's mint gum at the bus stop because I forgot to brush their teeth



I sometimes have to totally checkout otherwise I may make an early entrance into the loony bin.

Red Flags

To my darling oldest,

Being the oldest child come's with certain responsibilities. Therefore, when I am in the kitchen, I should not hear the following conservation take place between you and your brother: "OK N get on your knees and tuck your head under so I don't hurt it. OK, now hold still, I am going to stand on your back"
Please know my son that someday he may be bigger then you and, well, payback honey payback is all I can say.
xoxo Mommy

I have noticed there have been a series of Red Flags in my daily life. A few weeks ago, I hear the above conversation between my sons. I am listening, I hear "tuck your head under" (Red Flag 1),  "hold still" (Red Flag 2), "OK I am going to stand on your back now" (RED FLAG!!) I yell into the other room "What are you doing to your brother?!?"  The mater of fact (with a hint of duh mom) answer "using him for a blast pad" well of course, silly me what else would you use your 4 year old brother for.

I am not sure where boy's seem to learn these things, I have my suspects though:

I should insert a photo of their father here also, he is the one who introduced the kids to this cast of ill behaved cartoon characters but for the sake of my marriage, I will keep his identity hidden (see first blog "Man is he going to be pissed)

So I will resort to blaming my children's behavior on Disney and Boomerang.

Here is a list of the Red Flags that I have encountered this week:

Wet spot on bathroom floor near potty, is it water or pee (when I see the spray on the side of the potty  I have my answer)

Where is your sister? I don't know? (never a good sign to lose track of your 2 year old)

MOMMY!!! (nothing good ever follows)

My tummy hurts (need I say more)

Mommy the dog (enter one of the 100 nasty things our dog does daily that I then have to clean up)

CRASH!

My 6 year old's new vocabulary words (which I am sure will win me an award with the PTA) including Friggin (when corrected on the inappropriateness of this word say's "can I just say The F word", Wuzz Upppp, No you didn't, OOOO my nuts and the ever charming "butt nut".

Honey, I may have a meeting this afternoon (Red Flag for, my children will all lose their minds at 5:00)

Who left the baby gate open??

and perhaps (or not) the most disturbing Red Flag of the week, when we sit down to dinner tonight, my darling almost 2 year old daughter points to my glass and say's "Mommy's wine"

so after a week filled with Red Flags there is only one thing for me to do, raise my own flag

 .









Any Red Flags at your place this week??

Naked

Really, I can think of no better title because there is so much naked at my house these days. Leaving the house last week, I have all 3 kids in the car, hats, coats, dressed....or so I thought. As I climb into the car, I see N has on no socks, it is 30 degrees out, we are running late, natural consequences, your feet will be cold, then he sheepishly say's "I don't have underwear on either". Please know that for a split second the words tough shit dangled so deliciously on my lips. But for fear of DSS, back into the house we go for underwear and socks.

This seems to be an ongoing theme with this child, he is adverse to underwear. He will put them on only if reminded, as if I have the mental capacity at this stage to remember one more thing. I shudder to think how many day's I have sent him to school without underwear on.

The naked theme takes a turn for the worse at bath time when I have 3 children running around the house naked and my blessed youngest can't help but grab at her brothers well, you know, like it is a toy, if you stay naked to long and M sees you, be sure you are in for a yank or a grab. She however finds great delight in chasing down her brothers and making them scream. Guess this is the beginning of the payback that will shuffle back and forth between them for many delightful years to come.

M herself has learned to strip down in a matter of seconds, no clothing can stand in her way. She has a fine future ahead or her for sure. She has decided that she would like to sit on the potty after she has stripped down and has realized that it is a good ploy to stay naked longer. "M come put your diaper on"  M responds "No potty" runs back to the potty sits and shoves her hand into the potty, "M get your hand out of there" "NO POTTY" this goes on and on because I am tired, I am sure I make 90% of my parenting mistakes just because I am tired, they (she) have worn me out.



When I came into my bathroom the other day I was confronted by the following sight

I found this image to sum up my life and house in so many different ways.
 Really, what say's "I love you Mom" more than a naked headless doll waving to you on the potty.

The true joy never ends in my home (someone make it stop please)

I have entered a new demographic

Reading my magazines, in the quite of my room as I watch some wonderful docudrama like Teen Mom or Toddler's and Tiara's, I have come to the shocking realazation that the magazine's I read are no longer about 25 way's to meet a man, hot horoscopes, sextini's or this season's micro bikini. They are filled with way's to flatten my belly, make dinner in one pot in under 10 minutes, how to make my hair look fuller, my lips fuller and my hips and butt less full. I now read about 50 medical tests I need before I turn 40 (yikes soon).

As I go through the day I notice all of my products from my moisturizer to my body wash include some promise of the following, age defying, age reversal, age diminishing, wrinkle control, maximum, minimize, soften, silken.

Sigh, I have entered a new demographic, I am no longer the Cosmo girl, I am the Cosmo girl's older, mature sister. The one telling her "you will never meet a man to marry if you don't stop sleeping with every guy you meet at the bar". "Are you sure he has a job". The one looking on with some envy, "you slept till noon, had brunch, sex and went back to sleep"

I am now the demographic that get's exicited about the Shark Steam Mop that is a gift when you purchase their new never lose suction vacume (which I am DYING to buy, I watch the informerical with all the revel that I used to watch Real World) and then fall over Batman, Superman and 3 baby dolls trying to get to the phone when they knock off one more payment!

The thrill of this steam mop and vacuum is something that should embarrass me, but it doesn't. It doesn't because the minute I mention this mop to any of my friends, they get the same glow on their face and the excitement builds in their voices too. The discussion over this mop rivals a Sunday morning bloody mary while rehashing last night's walk of shame.

 While we are on the topic of suction, I am also in demographic that want's suction but only if it involves suctioning fat from a part of our body. We are all looking to lift, reduce, smooth and just make it go away.

Jealous of the younger set, you may think so but I am not. Here is why, I no longer have to wear matching bra's and panties if I don't want to, I can sleep in an old t-shirt, not shave my legs every day (or even shower).
I don't have to wonder if he will call, if he likes me, if he is thinking of me, if he is going to ask me out or dump me. I can go to bed at 8:30 on a Friday and not be a loser or lame.

I have the confidence that I wish I had had when I was 20, 25 and yes even 30. I don't have to worry about speaking my mind and being concerned what someone will think say or care.  I have entered the demographic of peace, of self confidence. The demographic of being grateful for the wonderful man I have married, the beautiful (plotting) children I have and the generous, kind fabulous women who allow me to call them my friends.

So if this is what 40 is going to bring, I say bring it on! I will slap on the cream, do the sit ups, make 10 minute  meals in one pot and love every minute of it (now I may be singing another tune next year when I am really facing 40, from almost 39, it doesn't look to bad).

And if anyone is looking for a really great birthday present for me. I have posted a picture of "my lover" (as Carrie Bradshaw would say) below. I dare you to not get excited about it!



The object of my affection